And I got all my hopes hung on your one gorgeous promise

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:30:29 GMT

how the fuck could you do this to me? every word you're saying now couldn't be farther away from what i want to hear...which makes me think when this was easy and convenient you were just saying everything i wanted to hear. i don't want any part of this, what the fuck was i thinking in the first place. I'm not good at letting go and i'm definitely not emotionally stable enough to handle any of this. i want to cut open my head and set my brain on fire, at least the memories would be gone and i wouldn't be capable of missing you then. how could i let my guard down, this is EXACTLY why i don't love or care about anyone around me...because they always leave.

when trisha's been drinking..she writes absurd things...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 05:09:29 GMT

i'm falling for you. i don't know what i'm falling into...a deeper stage of like but thats okay with me. i kinda hope i fall in love with you though, because how crazy would it be for two people who don't believe in it at all to find it together? it would be epic. ...how utterly unrealistic. you know in the movies when someones unhappy and a little cloud follows them around everywhere raining on there parade? yeah that's how i feel right now. except that a little cloud full of hearts and candy is above me. too bad in the movies that little cloud always ends up going away. so just like everyone elses bad day ends, i guess my good day (or a longer version) will too. its sort of ridiculous how i can't just let myself be happy. i want to enjoy what we have while it lasts, but at the same time i don't want to get any more involved than i am. actually...fuck that, i'm going to make the best of the time i have with you...i'm going to show you all the reasons why you should want to be with me, all the reasons why we are perfect together...stop thinking about the negatives when im with you and just LIVE LIFEEEE like you're not leaving. maybe you'll realize when you're god knows where... on top of MANDYMOSH[INK<3] or JULIEJUICEBOX[DTF](myspace namez obvz)...that you miss me. because i'm sure as hell going to make you miss me.

this makes so much sense to me right now.
it won't in the morning

the downfall

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 18:08:47 GMT

and you make everything seem so perfect, but you'd be the first to give it all up

this update is strictly to tell you...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:03:26 GMT

that i love technology...wifi on trains was the best idea ever. i'll never be bored on a train again. i don't know why i'm so excited about this, yet i still am. okay i'm lame. BYEZZZ

no subject could ever describe this.

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 06:13:01 GMT

and beautiful, i don't think you realize...that we're living our lives on false pretenses. that we're giving into something we don't really believe in. at least if we're going to do this, let's make it a little more convincing. because every word you spoke, i wasn't even listening. i'm just telling myself not to care so badly, so that when you leave it won't matter, so that when you leave i won't have to start over. and every story you told me about the life you lead i'm starting to think i'm might try it out on me, because whats the worst that could happen? you'd be angry? well sweetie just thinking about it tears me in pieces. because i'm not like that, i can't render something so powerful, meaningless. but i know it's just to get your fix...beautiful, don't you find it hypocritical you write the same stuff as this?

you are the only exception.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:43:23 GMT

i want to be the solution to your every flaw, the person that has all the qualities you want to possess...so that just maybe we can complete eachother. the person you know can give you a little strength, the one you think about when sleeping fails. i want you...completely vulnerable and willing to just give it a chance. forget about our pasts and take a risk, atleast if we got hurt, we'd know we're still alive. but better yet, what if i'm the drug you need to restart your heart. what if you're the replacement to my scars? what if we could actually beat this harsh cycle we've been thrown into? you have to admit, even if we don't create an epic ending, we'd still make a completely beautiful disaster.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 07:22:12 GMT

you're not third, or second, you're first in my line.
and i don't want you to think you're just some second place prize.
i guess sometimes it just takes a few mistakes to realize
what has been right in front of you the entire time.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 07:21:28 GMT

things always come out of nowhere for me. i like it.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:47:15 GMT

the leaves are falling from the trees and i can't help but compare them to me.
because every time i have to say goodbye, a little peice of me falls away.
and it happens again, and again, and i'm scared soon there will be nothing left.

i won't sleep tonight, i'm never letting this day end, the first day i've felt like i can
survive and i really don't need you as much as i thought. so i'll keep this feeling
in a little box, along with my love for you, just incase i need them again.
because god knows if you ever come back, i'd be the first to let you in.

but if you don't it's okay. we can't expect the messes we've made to just go away.
i'm re-arranging.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:43:54 GMT

a lifetime i'll have these feelings, because it wasn't me who decided this.
i'm sick of wasting my time. it's not fair that you lied.
and strung me along like a puppet, someone to fufill your every need
or desire...whatever it was for you. i shouldn't care, but i did and i do
and i will for what feels like a lifetime, because it wasn't me who decided this.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:41:54 GMT

my head hurts but it's completely numb.
my eyes feel dry but somehow i'm crying.
i'm tired but i can't sleep.
i see but i don't really see,
i'm completely tuned out to everything around me.

i'm breathing but i can't catch my breath.
i'm eating but i'm sick to my stomach.
i'm listening but i don't really care,
because i only wanna hear your voice and you're not here.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:39:43 GMT

i'm sorry for the way things went, i could have done everything different and better than i did. i never thought it would come to this. i never thought i'd feel so alone. and now that i do i guess what they say is right, that when someone leaves you really love, you can't really live your life. so i eat and i sleep and i'm fine and i'll smile. you never believed how i felt anyways. so when my mind wanders back to you late at night, when i'm so used to you laying right by my side...i'll say to you i miss you so much, but i know you're doing perfectly fine without me.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 02:10:51 GMT

i took a break for this but now i'm back!

i decided today that i need summer and just to get out of here.
i'm nervous to go to college. i'm nervous that i'll pick the wrong shool.
i'm nervous to disappoint people, but mostly i'm nervous to leave you behind
if thats what i decide to do.

new tiesss?..pros/cons...ugh

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:43:08 GMT

waiting is probably the hardest thing ever. you never know whats going on. you constantly have a pit in your stomach- from the lack of eating or from your sunken heart beating uncontrollably. Your mind tells you that you're a complete idiot but your heart says to keep fighting. one second you're happy, because you take any sort of communication as a step in the right direction, but the second things turn you're in what seems to be the worst mood you've ever been in. you only feel the most extreme form of every emotion, and it sucks the life out of you with each and every breath you take. and it doesn't help when the other person can't make up there mind- you know they like you, you know they want to be with you, but there past sucks them back in for what seems to be forever. you would do anything to prove to them that they're what you want, that you would be the best thing that ever happened to them, but its the fact that they have strings to another heart they're not ready to break.

i'd take a knife and cut that tension if I could- but I was never one to act out.

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 05:05:42 GMT

my friends mean more to me than anything in the entire world.
i wrote my name on all the 6 packs of chips ahoy in my house today hoping people won't eat them now.
i hung out with kelly and brett and visited bean at work.
i talked about you more than anything..per usual.
i explained to my grandmother what summer heights high is and i quoted it well over 20 times today.
i'm also wicked lame.
i sat on a radiator and burnt my ass.
i drank coffee.
my eyes are wicked heavy.
i'm sick of people trying to ruin my life.
i'm going to kick the shit out of someone very soon.
i went to the gym and only could run 14 minutes straight...
which made me realize i need to quit smoking.
i elbowed lauren in the face at cheerleading and she got a bloody nose and i felt terrible and still do.
i almost got in a car accident...per usual.
i listened to way to much eminem thanks to melissa. (way to much is never enough though)
i watched the new episode of house.
i started biting my nails again.
i found out i got a 51 on my precalc exam. LOL
86 on street law.
i should start trying at some point.
and to top off my whole day...
dan asked mr. menard if Hamlet effed his mom.
it was a great day.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 03:25:55 GMT

i don't think my headache has gone away for days. i'm not me, i haven't been me for the past week and a half. i realized that i was faking smiles sometimes so people would stop asking me what was wrong. sometimes i wish i never met you, how my life would have been so much more simplier the past month. but then i realized that all of that bullshit was worth it, because i've never been more happy. i've never felt more completely comfortable with someone...but as usual i'm never enough. i want to be friends, i want to be friends probably more than anything...and i'm going to try that but i know its not going to work. i know that i'll still like you, that i might even love you...and thats something i dont ever want to find out...atleast not right now. so stop putting false hope in my head, stop pretending like everything is okay- when everything's a mess.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 03:07:15 GMT

i'd rather breathe out smoke and waste whatever's left of me.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 03:06:20 GMT

i guess all you wanted to do was make a huge mess.

it's like a rock settling on your back, and you try and try to hold it up- to keep up appearances,
until you start to get tired, it's hard to speak, legs get weak, and you drop to your knees.
you beg and you plea for it to leave or for her to come back. but tonight you're not getting either.
because you swore you'd change- bit its your past that shows on your face.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 00:49:23 GMT

Top 10 quotes of 2008...i found them quite funny.
Here are two of my favorite, that are absolutely ridiculous.

"Maybe 100." -- McCain, discussing in a town hall meeting in Derry, N.H., how many years U.S. troops could remain in Iraq, Jan. 3

"It's not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number." -- a Treasury Department spokeswoman explaining how the $700 billion number was chosen for the initial bailout, quoted on Forbes.com Sept. 23

OH AND.
i love how tina fey won number one for her impression of Palin.
"I CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM MY HOUSE"

what is our world coming to? seriously.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 02:03:05 GMT

i feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. it's amazing. heyhey 2009.

finally, i realized that i am okay,
that i've probably been okay for awhile..
i just needed to see you to finally understand that.
so thank-you. and i hope i never see you again (take that in the nicest way possible please)

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 22:22:17 GMT

and i guess sometimes you just settle, accept whatever you have at the time- because it's a hell of a lot easier than fighting for what you want. it's easier than breaking hearts and cutting ties. it's easier to keep on going than try to forget the memories you've built. it's easier to just be, then actually care.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 15:50:21 GMT

so last night i did a lot of thinking that was mainly one sided because my mind is to stubborn to taste your point of view. but i came to the conclusion that if you can do that than i can too. maybe it will show me we're meant for something more than this, or maybe it will show me that it never meant a thing at all. so i hope when you wake up this morning you realize that these situations can't be aligned, that i just stumbled and you completely fell. that i tip-toed and you stomped, that i have a conscious and you just have a black hole where it used to be. it will come back in your dreams.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 17:16:01 GMT

i'm so blessed, lawls.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:53:07 GMT

warm breezes. clean breaks. can't change the evident.

the past two weeks kept my chest beating and my lungs breathing,
and now you're providing the air.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 16:17:17 GMT

and it's every bit of everything i've ever wanted. every bit of both of you. everything i said i never meant. every stupid fight was just a plead. all of the ups and downs just showed how much i truly adored you. the only time i hate you is when i'm not near you.

and i realize now it was all for nothing, everything you said before was just to keep the idea of me around. you could have had anyone else, you could have fucked with anyone else, but you had to do it to me. you had to use every bit of me until i broke.

well thanks. because before i knew exactly what i wanted, in the now and in the future. just because your hopes were always clouded didn't mean you had to spread the disease. i hope you're happy with your decision, i hope you never figure out what you want- because eventually i'll get over this, but you wont. you'll always have to live with the decision. and when you realized you fucked up- i'm not making amends.