that i love technology...wifi on trains was the best idea ever. i'll never be bored on a train again. i don't know why i'm so excited about this, yet i still am. okay i'm lame. BYEZZZ

and beautiful, i don't think you realize...that we're living our lives on false pretenses. that we're giving into something we don't really believe in. at least if we're going to do this, let's make it a little more convincing. because every word you spoke, i wasn't even listening. i'm just telling myself not to care so badly, so that when you leave it won't matter, so that when you leave i won't have to start over. and every story you told me about the life you lead i'm starting to think i'm might try it out on me, because whats the worst that could happen? you'd be angry? well sweetie just thinking about it tears me in pieces. because i'm not like that, i can't render something so powerful, meaningless. but i know it's just to get your fix...beautiful, don't you find it hypocritical you write the same stuff as this?

she slept all day just to stay up all night to see the bright lights go by in the sky- because who would ever pass this by? so she sat in the cold for hours on end just waiting for the meteors to burn holes overhead...and when they arrived, she said shes never felt so alive. and she repeated over and over in her head- beauty like this should never have to end...she was in awe of the universe and all that it had to offer but soon enough that feeling was over. without the soaring stars her happiness faded...and her heart tore in two because it reminded her of you.

i want to be the solution to your every flaw, the person that has all the qualities you want to possess...so that just maybe we can complete eachother. the person you know can give you a little strength, the one you think about when sleeping fails. i want you...completely vulnerable and willing to just give it a chance. forget about our pasts and take a risk, atleast if we got hurt, we'd know we're still alive. but better yet, what if i'm the drug you need to restart your heart. what if you're the replacement to my scars? what if we could actually beat this harsh cycle we've been thrown into? you have to admit, even if we don't create an epic ending, we'd still make a completely beautiful disaster.

observation #1
i didn't love you. i've been in love once, and it wasn't with you.

you're not third, or second, you're first in my line.
and i don't want you to think you're just some second place prize.
i guess sometimes it just takes a few mistakes to realize
what has been right in front of you the entire time.

things always come out of nowhere for me. i like it.

the leaves are falling from the trees and i can't help but compare them to me.
because every time i have to say goodbye, a little peice of me falls away.
and it happens again, and again, and i'm scared soon there will be nothing left.

i won't sleep tonight, i'm never letting this day end, the first day i've felt like i can
survive and i really don't need you as much as i thought. so i'll keep this feeling
in a little box, along with my love for you, just incase i need them again.
because god knows if you ever come back, i'd be the first to let you in.

but if you don't it's okay. we can't expect the messes we've made to just go away.
i'm re-arranging.

a lifetime i'll have these feelings, because it wasn't me who decided this.
i'm sick of wasting my time. it's not fair that you lied.
and strung me along like a puppet, someone to fufill your every need
or desire...whatever it was for you. i shouldn't care, but i did and i do
and i will for what feels like a lifetime, because it wasn't me who decided this.

my head hurts but it's completely numb.
my eyes feel dry but somehow i'm crying.
i'm tired but i can't sleep.
i see but i don't really see,
i'm completely tuned out to everything around me.

i'm breathing but i can't catch my breath.
i'm eating but i'm sick to my stomach.
i'm listening but i don't really care,
because i only wanna hear your voice and you're not here.

i'm sorry for the way things went, i could have done everything different and better than i did. i never thought it would come to this. i never thought i'd feel so alone. and now that i do i guess what they say is right, that when someone leaves you really love, you can't really live your life. so i eat and i sleep and i'm fine and i'll smile. you never believed how i felt anyways. so when my mind wanders back to you late at night, when i'm  so used to you laying right by my side...i'll say to you i miss you so much, but i know you're doing perfectly fine without me.

i'm either hope or hopeless because lately things have been looking up, goals have been within my reach...and then they all come crashing down right in front of me and there is absolutely nothing i can do. i get back up, and i'll start again, but who am i kidding? i'll never win.

someday i'll be able to stand to see your face again.
those perfect lips and bluegreen eyes don't deserve to go to wast.
and i wont take them for granted this time.
i'll cherish every inch you give me.
i'll treat you as you deserve to be treated,
if you do the same for me.
we only have one life and for some reason
i can't shake the feeling it should be spent with you.
im not like this.
you bring out every emotion in me to its fullest.
but i like it.
you make me feel more alive then i've ever been.

i took a break for this but now i'm back!

i decided today that i need summer and just to get out of here.
i'm nervous to go to college. i'm nervous that i'll pick the wrong shool.
i'm nervous to disappoint people, but mostly i'm nervous to leave you behind
if thats what i decide to do.

new tiesss?..pros/cons...ugh

waiting is probably the hardest thing ever. you never know whats going on. you constantly have a pit in your stomach- from the lack of eating or from your sunken heart beating uncontrollably. Your mind tells you that you're a complete idiot but your heart says to keep fighting. one second you're happy, because you take any sort of communication as a step in the right direction, but the second things turn you're in what seems to be the worst mood you've ever been in. you only feel the most extreme form of every emotion, and it sucks the life out of you with each and every breath you take. and it doesn't help when the other person can't make up there mind- you know they like you, you know they want to be with you, but there past sucks them back in for what seems to be forever. you would do anything to prove to them that they're what you want, that you would be the best thing that ever happened to them, but its the fact that they have strings to another heart they're not ready to break.

i'd take a knife and cut that tension if I could- but I was never one to act out.

my friends mean more to me than anything in the entire world.
i wrote my name on all the 6 packs of chips ahoy in my house today hoping people won't eat them now.
i hung out with kelly and brett and visited bean at work.
i talked about you more than anything..per usual.
i explained to my grandmother what summer heights high is and i quoted it well over 20 times today.
i'm also wicked lame.
i sat on a radiator and burnt my ass.
i drank coffee.
my eyes are wicked heavy.
i'm sick of people trying to ruin my life.
i'm going to kick the shit out of someone very soon.
i went to the gym and only could run 14 minutes straight...
which made me realize i need to quit smoking.
i elbowed lauren in the face at cheerleading and she got a bloody nose and i felt terrible and still do.
i almost got in a car accident...per usual.
i listened to way to much eminem thanks to melissa. (way to much is never enough though)
i watched the new episode of house.
i started biting my nails again.
i found out i got a 51 on my precalc exam. LOL
86 on street law.
i should start trying at some point.
and to top off my whole day...
dan asked mr. menard if Hamlet effed his mom.
it was a great day.

i don't think my headache has gone away for days. i'm not me, i haven't been me for the past week and a half. i realized that i was faking smiles sometimes so people would stop asking me what was wrong. sometimes i wish i never met you, how my life would have been so much more simplier the past month. but then i realized that all of that bullshit was worth it, because i've never been more happy. i've never felt more completely comfortable with someone...but as usual i'm never enough. i want to be friends, i want to be friends probably more than anything...and i'm going to try that but i know its not going to work. i know that i'll still like you, that i might even love you...and thats something i dont ever want to find out...atleast not right now. so stop putting false hope in my head, stop pretending like everything is okay- when everything's a mess.

i'm just a shiny second place prize.
i'm sick of being everyone's fall back.

its like my cold heart has spread to my whole body. everything just slips away.
i know i did everything better.

everything started out so good. i'm pretty sure it  was the happiest i've ever been. to bad it only lasted a short while. i actually liked you- i could have loved you. i was perfectly content spending all of my time with you...which says somethign because i usually get sick of people really easily. but as usual, i had to go and ruin everything. but you didn't have to go back, you could have said no- you could have thought about me. for just once, you could have thought about how i'd feel instead of her. i think this is the most i've cried probably ever in my life, and i dont even really know why. you could have realized i made a huge mistake that i've been kicking myself in the ass for, for the past 2 days.